I'm a Gen Z, and I'm redefining what it means to be a Woman

Anyone who has met my mother knows that she is what people mean when they use the phrase “strong, independent woman.” Take those words, add ten times the fortitude, confidence, and no-fucks-given attitude to them — that’s my mom.

Despite being a Gen X Italian married to my Boomer Italian father for forty years — this year! — my proud, unapologetic mother has always been ahead of her time as far as feminism goes.

This year I turned twenty-six, and I still have yet to hear my mother utter the words, “When you find a nice guy one day…” As I’ve gotten older, dated both girls and guys, and gone through phases where I've rejected everyone, she has barely batted an eye, telling me only to “be young and have fun.” Rather than politely push phrases like “the clock is ticking” or “it’s time to settle down,” she’s reminded me that my only job is to build a life for myself that makes me proud and fulfilled, and to never live for anyone else — or for society as a whole. As a child, when I would rehearse my songs and practice my dance routines for her, she would critique me as if I were already a pro, because she believed that I was meant to be on the stage one day. When I gave up on an academic path in Business Communications to pursue an arts degree in English Literature, she celebrated me for following my intuition and for going against the grain.

Thanks to my mom, I was born to be — or rather, carefully molded to be — the self-proclaimed “hippie” that I now am. It’s truly just ironic that I ended up teaching meditation and am now in the wellness space (don’t worry — you will still never catch me drinking green powder or using the words “detox” or “cleanse” in a non-satirical way).

Those of you who were raised to chase a fairytale love, whether from societal influences or from family and friends, might be thinking, “Why wouldn’t your mother want you to find true love? Isn’t that one of the most beautiful parts of this life?”

Rather, my mother never wanted to drill into my head that my one duty as a human being should be to pursue a codependent existence, or that I would never be truly complete until I had someone else’s hand to hold. She knew from the moment she pushed me out that I would get more than enough of that from the world.

As a twenty-six-year-old, I still have never once fantasized about putting on a white dress and veil, about changing my last name, or adding a shiny ring to my finger. While girls in high school were plotting where they could find their Romeo and panicking over whether they wanted boys or girls, I was busy dreaming about financial independence and considering how I could really make a living as a writer in New York City (if anyone’s wondering, that’s still what I spend most of my time thinking about. Advice is well appreciated!).

Any time I imagined a future, I never once imagined it with anyone other than myself. And I don’t hear a lot of women say that.

I see it in the faces people make, in the awkward silence that ensues after I tell someone in the office that “I actually don’t want to get married and am still not sure about kids!”

I catch it in the way everyone almost pities that odd duck, middle-aged woman in the family who has no kids, has never been married, and wakes up every day genuinely choosing to do whatever in the world she wants to do that day. Women who don't just do what they are expected to do are threatening and dangerous to the societal structure that thrives off of women just doing what they are expected to do.

A woman challenges tradition, and society says, “How dare you, a woman, have desires for yourself and yourself only? Where were you corrupted to believe that a life outside of what we've planned for you could even be possible? Why don’t you just fit the mold of what everyone before you has done and stop being so difficult? Independence is NOT ladylike. Selfishness is NOT sexy.”

In society, it’s not normal for a woman to think for herself, to fantasize about a life that revolves around her and her happiness only. As a young woman, it feels strange to think the way that I do about life and relationships and femininity, because society does not celebrate, or even highlight, women who think this way.

To be clear, there is not one thing wrong with you if your biggest goal in life has always been to be a mother, a homemaker, or even a wife. I actually adore women who take such pride in wanting to be the best they can be in those roles — they inspire me. You do not need to be a shoeless, flower-crown-wearing writer like me to be a badass woman.

I’m at the age now where people probe me about “family” and “my future plans,” when they really just want to see which safe role I’ve decided to tick off the life ballot from the few options that women are allowed to choose from. Unfortunately, this is one area of my life that I refuse to plan out for myself. I see the tired eyes of the women before me who were shoved onto a path without anyone allowing them a chance to consider if it was the right way for them to go. I am grateful for the women who were brave enough to challenge their predetermined destinies, to open up conversations for women that didn’t exist yet, only to exchange societal respect for shame. I am indebted to the women who hand-paved a path for me where choice would be an option — not for themselves, but for the women who would walk after them.

I surprise others when I tell them that I have been in a long-term relationship now for years, and I had to have a lot of difficult conversations with my partner early on about my goals and my unique values as a young woman. These conversations are not easy, because they are not normalized. Men are praised in society for taking risks, for being rule breakers, and for having a brave, entrepreneurial mindset. Women who do the same are considered selfish, rebellious, or combative.

Recent data shows that “45% of prime working-age women (ages 25–44) will be single by 2030 — the largest share in history” (MorganStanley.com). Rather than celebrate the fact that more North American women of today now have the option to even pursue being single, this statistic has set society into a moral panic over how we are going to survive as a species, if women will no longer mindlessly play the one role that they have always been cast to play.

As I get older, I’m surprised to see that single people of my generation still act like being single is a scarlet letter of shame they have to carry around with them wherever they go. Love is a beautiful thing if you can find it with another person, yes, but I’ve learned that it is more beautiful to create a lasting love within the life that you already live, with yourself. I have depended on other people loving me in order for me to feel whole, and when those people inevitably left (as every person in your life inevitably will, in some way or another), I have fallen to pieces again. Don’t let the societal pressure to couple up, commit, or follow tradition convince you that it is impossible to find happiness, peace, or fulfillment on your own.

So, my advice to you, brave and wise one? Stop. Apologizing. For. Doing. Whatever. The. Hell. Makes. You. Happy. You don’t always need to plan for tomorrow. You don’t always need to do what everyone around you expects of you or what you know would garner their approval. You can break hearts, and you can try roles on for size, and you can have the taboo conversations that they don’t expect a woman like you to have. You can do what no one else has done before you, and you can live a life that others don’t understand. You are the only one who will ever know yourself inside and out — beautiful, messy mind and all — don’t take that short experience for granted.

May you be brave enough to pursue choice in everything you do,

Julia 🌞

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are you doing Sunday, March 15? I would love to have you at a wellness event I am co-hosting, held at SOL Yoga Niagara. 🧘🏻‍♀️🌷✨

Email vitalitybyventresca@gmail.com to book your limited spot now!

I can't wait to practice with you🧘🏻‍♀️🌷✨

Some brave, outspoken women I love:

Glennon Doyle

Elizabeth Gilbert

Florence Given

Jane Fonda

Michelle Obama

Jane Goodall

Sonya Renee Taylor

Mindy Kaling

Lady Gaga

Laverne Cox

The women that write, that yell, that stand up for women in silenced communities, that protect children, that dream big, that change today and in turn tomorrow.