25 things I've learned by age 25

As I reflect on the last twenty five years of my life, my inner critic - a dedicated friend of mine at this point - loves to remind me that I am not where I imagined I would be at this age. The good thing is that I can't seem to remember where exactly I imagined I would be, or even what that place looked like! Every passing year tends to bring with it new expectations and fresh desires, creating an endlessly moving goal post to chase - all with the hope that satisfaction is awaiting us patiently at the end.

Thankfully, what I can remember is all that I have picked up along the way as these last twenty five years have landed me in the place that I call today. I hope you enjoy some of my quarter-life wisdom, and here's to another twenty five years of seeing some meaning in the madness.

1. One of the most important things you can do is learn to advocate for yourself.

Whether it’s for a job interview or simply a random confidence boost, when you’re constantly on the path towards the next achievement, it's easy to brush over all that you’ve already accomplished. Your life experience, your professional skills and qualifications, your personal strengths and traits; the older you get, make sure you don’t lose sight of all of the unique things that you can bring to the table.

2. Healing and improving yourself is exhausting.

Whiiiiich is why most people don’t do it. It's great to work on becoming greater, but in order to be successful in your healing journey, it’s important to allow yourself days where you can simply catch up on the feelings that come with being human.

3. You actually don’t have to do things that you don’t want to do.

Enough said.

4. But, Sometimes you should do things that you don’t want to do.

I’m sure you would rather not accompany your partner to their work thing or get up earlier and add a vegetable to dinner, but not everything that’s meaningful is going to be enjoyable.

5. Not everyone will like you.

I am embarrassed to admit that this is one of the hardest ones for me. The older I get, the more people that I meet, I realize that there are always going to be people that just don’t like me. I am also embarrassed to admit the amount of time and effort I have put into trying to get them to like me. Why do we think it's our responsibility to have everyone like us - we don’t even like everyone?!

6. It’s okay to not know the next right step.

Since graduating from university, I have not known what to do next 96% of the time. It's comforting to know that most people actually live their lives this way.

7. Stop making plans.

I have had a complicated relationship with all things planning, preparing, goal setting - I have learned that life doesn’t occur this way, and the less attached I am to the ‘plans’ I have created, the easier I am able to bounce off of whatever actually ends up taking place. I still make ‘plans’ or ‘agendas,’ but I always do so now with the assumption that they very well may not happen, because life just doesn’t work that way.

8. Relationships are there for reasons or seasons, not lifetimes.

I think one of my strong suits is the fact that I don’t expect every relationship in my life to last forever, which is why I don’t struggle as much if/when they end. Whether it's friendships or romantic partners, throughout life it’s okay that you go through many relationships. Have maturity to look back on the people who have come in and out of your life and reflect upon what each one (the great and the not-so) has subtly done for you.

9. Similarly, life comes in seasons.

There are slower periods, sad periods, social periods, restless periods - the less resistant you are to the changing seasons of life, the more you can enjoy the subtle joys that come alongside each of them.

10. Allow your mind to change more.

I’m not sure when we all absorbed this idea that we should each develop a signature personality, only associate with people in exact alignment with our own thoughts and beliefs, and shun everyone and everything that falls outside of that. The best people I have met thus far are the ones who have had completely different life upbringings than mine, who think and feel in ways that I don’t. Personally, I think you can tell how intelligent someone is from their ability to maturely and respectfully exist amidst different people and opinions. Even looking back at blog posts I’ve made from years ago - I think and speak completely differently now, and I know looking back on this post in a few years I will feel the same again. I find that to be a beautiful thing. It means I’ve done what I’m supposed to do in this life - grow.

11. The way you look will change.

And you don’t need to hate it, or try to reverse it, or cover it up - it just means you’re still alive.

12. Life will change.

It’s weird, and uncomfortable, and lonely, but it’s also beautiful, and transformative, and significant. The only thing you can guarantee in this life is that it will always change.

13. Run an audit of your spending habits (and while you’re at it, your personal habits too).

What are you frequently spending money (or time) on that you don’t need to be?

Where can you save money (or time) by changing up the way that you do things?

The older we get the less time we have, so make sure the resources you are burning through are meaningful and necessary.

14. Sometimes accepting things is easier than trying to change them.

People, life circumstances, the way that you look - save yourself some energy and learn to be okay with certain things not being the way that you want them to be. Again, time is limited, so choose your battles.

15. Prioritize self care all of the time.

I have a famous habit of delaying all of the practices that I rely on in times of crisis - meditation, therapy, literally just breathing properly - until I am in crisis. I’ve learned that I am better equipped to take care of myself in those low moments when I have actually been practicing all of the little things that make me feel good on a consistent, regular basis, regardless of how I’m feeling. Don’t wait until things fall apart to start taking care of yourself.

16. Setting boundaries comes with a side of guilt, loneliness, and discomfort.

And that doesn’t mean that they’re wrong or bad. One of the best things my therapist has told me is that setting boundaries is supposed to come with all of these feelings - it means you’re doing it right.

17. You don’t owe anyone the most palatable version of yourself.

You actually don’t have to try to be more attractive, or positive, or thin, or popular, or sociable, or any of the desirable traits that you have been conditioned to believe make up the most likeable humans. Especially if you’re a woman, this is what you’ve subtly always been taught, but it’s time to learn new things.

18. Yay! Everyone is messed up, it’s not just you!

A year or so ago I made a vow to get off of social media for personal purposes and redirect the effort that I was putting into making others believe I lived a full, happy life, into actually trying to live that full, happy life.

Something I have noticed is that other people seem to match the energy that I put out now; when I show up as the authentic and honest version of myself, those around me are much more willing to show up in the same way. Through this openness in my relationships, I’ve learned that we all live very similar lives when it comes to the struggles we face, the insecurities we have, the feelings we feel. I used to cringe at the phrase “you’re not alone,” but once I found a community of folks that were willing to talk about their daily battle against being human, I realized that we're all a little more the same than we think.

19. On the same note, don’t compare where you are to where they are.

I’ve never been one to look to the achievements of others to gauge my own success, however I find that since graduation and trying to ease into adulthood it is so easy to feel bad about where I am in comparison to where others are (or where I think they are). Remember, on LinkedIn you only see the jobs or promotions people actually got, you don’t see the hundreds of resumes handed out, countless job interviews that got them nowhere, or the white-knuckled career switches. Every book of life reads different. Good and bad times come and go.

20. Relationships, of all kinds, take effort.

I am quite introverted and self reliant, and so I have a habit of not putting in as much effort into relationships as I maybe should. The older I get the more I realize that any time you are trying to build or maintain a bond with another human - friends, romantic partners, family - it’s going to constantly require work. You need to learn how to fight, how to coexist, how to communicate - with different types of beings, all whilst remaining mature and respectful, if you want to build a really valuable community.

21. Learn how to dance between self-kindness/validation, and tough love.

It’s important to validate your feelings and struggles, and it’s also important to have discipline and grit when you need to make moves. Become attune to your needs in different situations in order to ensure you are still moving in the direction you want to be in.

22. You don’t know everything, and you should ask for help.

Whether it’s asking my boss for further support and clarification, or to those in my life for a shoulder to cry on, I am such a better human when I (without shame!) use the wealth of knowledge and network of those around me. It’s so much easier to grow when you give yourself the space to.

23. Life exists in the in between.

Being in your early twenties means that you spend a lot of time planning, prepping, saving for the next right move. Finally hitting the achievements or celebrating the milestones takes up such a small percentage of life - life actually exists in the everyday, seemingly mundane motions that we overlook and rush through.

Only recently have I allowed myself the chance to slow down and acknowledge the beauty in the everyday - the smiling faces I pass on my walks, the warmth of my morning coffee, the laughs shared with my aging parents - it has allowed even the dullest of days to have their own sparkle.

24. Take back some control of your narrative by changing your perspective.

In a lot of ways, I am not where I thought I would be at the age of twenty five. I can blame circumstances out of my control for things not happening the way that I wanted them to, or I can acknowledge the beauty that came with them happening exactly the way that they did. Yes, a pandemic forced me to be home for the first two, almost three years of my twenties, but it gave me more time to prioritize my mental illness recovery and watch my little brother grow up. It’s often hard to realize the meaning of this moment until you’re on the other side of it. If you get into a practice of always finding a positive in the negative (no matter how annoying) you realize that yes, life is exhausting, and relentless, but it’s also subtly beautiful, and momentarily miraculous, and you deserve the chance to appreciate that.

25. The only person that will be with you your whole life is you.

Your family will come and go, as will your friends, as will your partners and coworkers and neighbours - so don’t feel bad for spending a lot of time on and with yourself.  It’s actually the smartest investment that you can make.

You may be thinking - this big fancy list makes me seem like I have my shit together. If I were to add another point to this list it would be that having your shit together may just be another old wives' tale. In my twenty fifth year of life I am setting an intention to surrender a little more to the occurrences of this life. It’s more fun this way.

Here's to learning, growing, and all that happens in between,

J