Reflections on One Year Post-Grad...

Recently I celebrated my 1 year anniversary at my first “post grad big girl” job, the job that I began the day after handing in my final assignment to complete my undergrad.

While I was definitely proud to be celebrating this accomplishment, I couldn't help but feel a bit…bad for myself, reflecting on how much of the past year I have spent not in the moment, caught up in the anxieties of this adulthood that feels like it arrived prematurely. I realized that in this past year I focused too much on what I didn’t and don’t have yet, never taking a step back to appreciate the people, the environment, the experiences that this new job has brought to me.

Rather, most of this past year has been spent questioning each of my days, planning for the next right step for my life, endlessly chasing this invisible countdown that is constantly ticking in the back of my brain.

Being in the real world, outside of school for the first and the longest time in my life, I have realized how much of our society nowadays is consumed with achievement, hustling, flexing, saving, next right moves… and how I have spent way too much of this last year being caught up in that.

While I don’t miss the frequent existential breakdowns at school over what would happen if I failed this class, and then didn’t graduate by this date, and then couldn’t get into that job, and then couldn’t move to that place, and then couldn’t make any money, and the—-

I do miss the comfort in being able to follow a path that was in most ways all set up for me. Those breakdowns over grade averages and finals are certainly now replaced by much larger, more open ended questions: What do I actually want to do with my life? Where do I want to be? How can I even begin to figure out how to make that happen, is it even realistic?

One of my favourite “free therapy” podcasts I listen to, “Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson” recently featured Dr. Meg Jay, the author of The Defining Decade. I would highly recommend this episode to anyone currently navigating their 20s or 30s! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DvewPRPbeM&t=1836s

In this episode Jay says that by 35 years old, the average person will have already had 9 different jobs (I’m only 24 and I think I have already surpassed this..). She goes on to describe how rather than pushing for continual success, accolades, and markers of external achievement to prove to the public that we totally know what we are doing, our 20s should be focused on building up “identity capital” - i.e. all of the skills, experiences and knowledge about the world that we inevitably accumulate throughout every circumstance, those good and certainly those not so good.

Looking back on even the past 5 years of my life, the people, places, and things that ended up being the most impactful for my character development all seem to be things that I did not plan for at all (cue pandemic, eating disorder relapses, many different relationship struggles...). While these things were happening I tried so hard to resist them, and quickly shimmy out of the uncomfortable feelings that they were bringing on, so that they would no longer be a disruption to the steps I was trying to take towards my picture perfect plan. Looking back now, every single hard thing I managed to endure (and still am) have served and are serving me in invisible ways that I know are strengthening my person, and will prove to be useful in the future when I need to pull from my tool belt for navigating future inevitable life shittiness.

I think one of the problems with our social media driven society is the way that it makes it seem as if everything we do, every step we take has to have intentional meaning, and must have the ability to be bottled up in a palatable and presentable fashion. Every job we work, every person we engage with, every place we live has to align with this bigger ideal path that we have set up for ourselves.

I don’t like to use the term everything happens for a reason as I feel it can sometimes be invalidating to those who have endured terribly traumatic things, but rather everything happens for a lesson, i.e. you can learn something from every event or circumstance.

Sometimes gaining experience, exploring, and not knowing what you’re doing on most given days is all the meaning that you need. It is only once I stop obsessing over what I should be doing during my off time (How can I make more money after my 9-5? How can I attend every social outing, every trip offered to me so that I make the most out of my wild 20s? How can I do this while still constantly making money so that I can save up for my next big step?) that I am able to focus on the small productive things I am doing now that I am not even acknowledging.

For someone who wants to be a writer, I strangely am not the biggest fan of journaling, but when I find myself deep in the existential loop of perfectionist pressure, I find reflecting on the things that have happened to me (good, bad, big, small) and their outcome on me personally, career wise, etc. to be very helpful. Breaking things down into smaller pieces and then stepping back to see how they have functioned in the bigger picture usually helps to ground me a little bit when I find myself getting trapped in that all or nothing thinking pattern.

I recently applied for a few higher up positions in my field that I did not obtain, and so was left feeling quite discouraged and frustrated about the time and effort I took preparing for the lengthy process of job seeking. Now that I am able to step back with a clearer mindset, I can see how the whole process allowed me to gain some good experience advocating for my skillset in an interview setting, and along the way I was able to meet some wonderful intelligent people with whom I now have a connection with. Rejection therapy is surprisingly very productive!

Event —> outcome/effect —> lesson

Overall, life is going to happen to us whether we plan for it or not. Every place you are at is useful, and it just adds another page to the beautiful chaotic book of your life. Try to focus on the smaller and unseen ways in which what you are doing now is indeed useful and productive.

And if all else fails.. get off of social media for a bit. No one is posting about the jobs they didn’t get or the programs they flunked out of. Life doesn’t look that perfect for anyone all of the time.

Andra tutto bene,

Julia☀️