The Confidence Guide for Twenty Something Year Olds.

Someone asked me the other day how I had “so much confidence." Now, I found this to be incredibly ironic, given the fact that I have never considered myself to be a confident person. I find that the older I get, I have developed quite the list of self inflicted insecurities, quite the negative self talk, and quite the pessimistic thoughts about my own capabilities in this life (clearly, being inside my head is a blast!). I also find that as a young woman, any inkling of pride that you take in yourself is destined to be interpreted as 'bitchiness', or you having an attitude problem. That’s another blog post, though ;).

However, when I reflect upon how I was even a few years back, it turns out I really have strengthened my confidence muscle without even consciously trying.

I do know that like most things in life, however, confidence takes continual and constant practice in order to maintain. That is why I have mustered together the main list of practices that I have been, well practicing, that have collectively improved my confidence in myself and my capabilities. I wish I had this list ten years ago when I believed that to be a confident woman was the least of my priorities!

Keep a track record of your accomplishments.

Often in life we are constantly looking towards the next best thing, and shaming

ourselves for not having gotten to that next goal post yet. How often have you ever

actually taken a step back to acknowledge the things that you have already overcome,

that once took up what seemed like a lifetime’s worth of anxiety and fear in your mind?

I recommend everyone make a list of everything you have “overcome;” from that

speech you gave in seventh grade, to the date you went on that you were stressing over

for weeks. Read the list before job interviews, before you have an uncomfortable

conversation with a loved one, or before you set out to undertake a task you have been

dreading. Remind yourself that you have endured and survived hard things before, and

quite a lot of them!

Posture, eye contact, slowing down your speech.

I hate to admit that I cringe listening to people from my generation speak with the

amount of filler words used to fill space between thought and speech (words such as

“like,” "you know,” "sort of”)... No shame, I do it as well all the time if I’m not paying

attention, I am a 23 year old girl after all) . Becoming aware of my nervous and insecure

speech patterns and working on my ability to say more with less words has really helped

me to become a more effective and confident communicator. It’s not a race to get your

sentences out. No one thinks you are stupid if you take more time to conduct your

response - in fact it often makes you look more composed and thoughtful. The smartest

people in the room often say the least.

Stop apologizing!

The more you present yourself as an unconfident person by constantly apologizing for

things and letting others talk down to you, the more mean (and deep down insecure!)

people around you pick up on that and use your perceived weakness to their

advantage. This has happened to me in many workplaces, and in many

friendships/relationships, where I prioritized looking kind over having respect for myself.

I have now made it a priority to practice having uncomfortable conversations where I

am forced to stand up for myself and advocate for my person. The more you apologize

and diminish yourself in front of others, the more people, (including yourself!) interpret

you as someone who is not strong and capable. I’ll admit it, I still apologize if the

restaurant messes up my order and I have to ask for a new dish (that is if I even say

anything at all..) or if someone else bumps into me in the grocery aisle. I think this is just

the Canadian curse. What I am referring to is to stop auto-pilot apologizing for things

like the way you look, or the fact that you don’t have makeup on. You think these things

are making you look humble, but really they are sneaking into your subconscious and

training you to believe that you should not take pride in yourself, and that your

existence is something you should apologize for. When someone compliments you,

instead of belittling yourself, try say “thank you so much, you look amazing as well!”. It

is hard, and it feels weird, especially as a woman, but it really is okay to accept

compliments and feel good about yourself. And next time someone in your personal

life or the workplace makes you feel uncomfortable, practice calling it out and

defending your character. You will be surprised afterwards at how strong you actually

are! Shoulders back, chest high and deep breaths.

Put yourself out there (in the little ways)!

Talk to more people. Everyone is a little awkward. The more people you interact with,

the more you realize that awkwardness and lack of confidence are just another human

characteristic that we all seem to share. I love to strike up conversation with the drive

thru worker or talk to the person in line at the grocery store. I have also worked a

plethora of jobs where I have, as an introvert, been forced to be front facing and

practice communicating with a wide variety of people! The more I do this, the easier it

is to encounter the different types of people that you will inevitably encounter

throughout your life, and the easier it will be to enter a work place or develop

relationships the older you get. We’re all a little socially awkward, but its good to

purposely put yourself in situations where you have to embody the traits that would be

exhibited by a confident person. Fake it until you make it is totally a thing, and remind

yourself that everyone exists inside their own little insecure head.

Practice something that you know you're good at.

If you can paint like Picasso, cook like Child, or serve like Serena, make sure to prioritize

doing tasks that you know you excel in! While we should always be taking on new and

challenging tasks for self-improvement, you need to remind yourself that you have a

natural knack for certain things, and that you are strong in many areas already!

Following this is to reflect on tasks that you have improved on with continual and

constant practice - I personally hate driving, and was horrendous at it when I first

began, but when I reflect on how I was at the beginning of my driving career to how I

am now, I can definitely acknowledge the ways in which I have become stronger

(and more confident) on the road.

Admire others who work confidence like it’s their day job.

Stop resenting those around you that embody confidence. This is a huge,

unconscious one that I think women as a gender need to collectively work on (and men

who interact with us!) Notice how if a woman walks into a room with her head held high,

speaking her mind, not apologizing for every little thing from her outfit to her makeup,

she is most likely to be interpreted as being some form of a "stuck-up bitch?" As

women we have been societally trained to shrink everything from our bodies to our

personalities in order to take up less space in the world. Every time you catch yourself

feeling some particular way about a seemingly confident person, whether they be in

your life or not, I challenge you to take a step back and ask yourself, "What is coming

up for me here? Did this person actually do something wrong, or are they just confident

and it's intimidating me, because I don’t have what they have?”. This has completely

rewired the way I look at women, especially - I now desire to be around confident

women as they inspire me to take pride in myself and teach me the importance of

valuing your self as a woman. I recommend every woman read UnTamed by Glennon

Doyle - it is a wonderful biography that will awaken you to the behaviours we as women

have adopted in order to make ourselves more palatable in this world. NEWSFLASH -

the only person you hurt by trying to shrink your self is you.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days (more often than not!) where the last thing I want to do is go into the world as a confident version of myself. It takes energy. Knowing that these days will happen, and that it really is about what you do most, not all of the time that matters is part of the practice!

Affirmations:

I have the ability to handle whatever comes my way today.

I am equipped with the strength and confidence that I need to navigate challenges today.

I have overcome challenges before, and I will overcome challenges again.

I embody confidence in the way I act, talk, move and be in this world.

Let me know in the comments what practices, events or scenarios you can reflect on that have increased your confidence!

I believe in you.