What COVID-19 has taught me

HELLO !!!! Long time no…. talk?

I was looking back to the last time I made a blog post (my video!) and it was about the same time last year… which, is quite ironic if you ask me, considering the state we were in then with the pandemic here in Ontario, and the state we are in now. Yeah, this is awkward…

I have no excuse as to why I have not posted on this blog. I clearly have had a lot of free time throughout this past YEAR (!!!), and there have been so many ideas circulating around in my poor isolated brain, but it has been harder than I thought to stay motivated during all of this. I’m learning to be a lot easier and a lot gentler with myself every day. Makes this shit a little bit easier, you know?

To be honest, these past few months have been quite challenging. Living the same day over and over and over with little mental stimulation, hardly any social interaction except for with the people that I live with (and, you know, talking to myself). It’s shitty! I hate to be dramatic (kidding, I obviously love it) but I feel like I am imprisoned.

I am so so SO grateful for all that I have, I know that I have so much more than most people right now, and I truly thank my lucky stars for that. I try to do a gratitude practice at least once a day where I think of three things that made me happy that day, whether it be something as small as my coffee tasted good or I woke up to the sun outside. But some days, (more than not lately), I just feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I like to consider myself as that annoyingly optimistic, “there’s always a silver lining” type of person that most people probably want to punch in the face when they're having a bad day. Lately it has been hard to be that person, and honestly, when I am that person I feel fake, I feel inauthentic, and I want to punch myself in the face! It has been hard to be positive, it has been hard to be happy and to stay hopeful despite everything going on outside, and for the first time I am learning that that’s okay. At first I was ashamed of it, and I felt as if I was being negative, and ungrateful, and people were going to hate me because they couldn’t come to me for positivity anymore. I don’t feel that way anymore though. I mean, sometimes I do, but when I feel myself getting in that critical and judgemental mindset I just remind myself that life is just a series of ebbs and flows. We are supposed to feel different emotions other than just happiness and positivity and enjoyment. Just like the weather - it rains, it shines, it thunders, it glistens, and it happens all over again. If I planned to get up early, go on a walk, start an assignment, reorganize my room, and solve world peace, but all I can do that day is get out of bed to eat breakfast and then get right back in it, then hell, that’s okay too.

The truth is, you don’t have to get upset when things don’t go to plan. You are the one who is choosing to react that way. You know the best part of that? It means that you can also choose to react a different way. There are no labels on situations that categorize them as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ life simply just… is. You are in charge of how you respond to different events - it is your perspective, and your response, that decides if a situation is going to cause you pain and suffering, or if you are just going to let it be, and move on.

I like to be in control, I like to plan, I like to know what’s going on, and the older I get, the more I realize how much that affects me and my experience of life.

I used to get so upset when the wifi would crash, or my toast would burn, or it would rain on a day I thought it was going to be sunny. That wasn’t part of my plan.

What this past year (and lots of reading on Buddhism) has taught me, is just to accept the present moment for what it is. Rather than constantly trying to resist life and its events, I’m learning to just simply let it be.

I can’t control life. I can’t control what happens tomorrow, next year, or ten minutes from now. That was a really hard pill for me to swallow at first, but once I realized how having that knowledge and practicing that skill of acceptance actually still allows me to be in control, in the way that I don’t give external things the power to affect me anymore, I realized, hmm. That’s pretty fuckin’ empowering after all.

Because of that, I now have a lot more energy saved up for important things that actually matter. I'm also a lot more resilient and adaptable. I’m not being the thief of my own joy all the time, or constantly putting so much suffering upon myself.

So, I am giving you permission now to surrender. Don't fight, just let life happen.

I know it’s hard, and it’s a work in progress. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen right away. I am not a 100 year old monk that has this shit down to a T, I still have really hard days and really hard feelings, but once I remember to utilize that skill of acceptance, it makes things just that much easier.

Thank you so much for coming back to my blog, and for supporting me. There's more to come (pinky promise!!!). I hope I made you smile today.

J